


Kaleidoscopic Reality

by WindMeister8



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Deja Vu, F/M, Lost Memories, Lost Memory, Memory Loss, Triggers, song trigger, wipe memory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-06
Updated: 2015-07-06
Packaged: 2018-04-08 01:26:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4285401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WindMeister8/pseuds/WindMeister8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Do you know the feeling of déjà vu? The feeling you get when something – an event, a small incident in your life – happens and it seems so familiar, as if you’ve gone through it before. Or do you know that feeling where something is off and you can’t put a finger to it because everything is so normal? </p>
<p>I’ve had both.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kaleidoscopic Reality

**Author's Note:**

> **(AU Note: For maximum effect, listen to[this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-uq6Hb0jyI))**

_Do you know the feeling of déjà vu? The feeling you get when something – an event, a small incident in your life – happens and it seems so familiar, as if you’ve gone through it before. Or do you know that feeling where something is off and you can’t put a finger to it because everything is so normal?_

I’ve had both.

It started about a few months back when I was on my way back home. Instead of taking the subway heading east, I subconsciously took the west-bound train for a single stop. I walked up to an apartment building that was barely 20 minutes away from my office. As I fumbled in my jacket pocket for the keys, I realized that this wasn’t my home. I stood there, paralyzed by fear, wondering why I was there. Was there something wrong with me? Looking up at the tall apartment complex, I examined every inch of it, trying to jog my memory as to where I had seen it. I came up with nothing. I hadn’t even been to this part of the town.

I slowly turned away from the building, thinking that I should pay a visit to my doctor and get a medical check-up just in case there was some problem with my health. A movement behind one of the long rectangle windows caught my attention and I swirled around. There was no one at the window but the tell-tale sign of an undulating curtain informed me that someone had been there – watching me. A chill went down my spine and I gulped nervously. 

Hastily, I took off and hailed a cab to take me back home – my real home. That night was a sleepless one, complete with tossing and turning. The next day, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor but he found nothing wrong with me except the lack of sleep from the night before.

Slowly but surely, I pushed the incident to the back of my head. No matter how much I thought about it, there was no explanation for why my legs had taken it upon themselves to bring me to an unknown place. It was better to just forget about it and treat it as an unnatural occurrence. 

But just when I started to forget it, similar incidents occurred again. I would find myself visiting cafes that I didn’t even know existed before this. I wasn’t even a coffee person but I found myself falling in love with the smell of freshly-brewed coffee. Then, I started listening to old classical music and jazz. I could even recite the names of famous composers or popular jazz pieces by heart. 

The change in me did not go unnoticed by the people around me. Some thought I was mad and laughed at me behind my back. Some thought it was a disease and stayed as far away as possible from me. Only a small number stuck by my side, either helping me to figure out the problem or forget it. Although I was hurt by the people who had left, I convinced myself to see the silver lining in the cloud. At least this incident had weeded out all those pretend friends and showed me who were genuine. 

At the same time, I began to have this unsettling feeling that something… or someone was missing from my life. In the beginning, I thought it was due to the loss of so many friends. But soon I realized that the cause was far from that. The unbearable loneliness that I felt seemed to be the result of… love.

If you excluded my parents, then I have not loved anyone before. Of course, there were men who courted me but not a single one of them had won my heart. I never once had that fluttering sensation or heart palpitations that most couples in love would tell me about. It made me curious as to whom I was pining for subconsciously. Who was this mysterious man whom I had not met but had unleashed such intense feelings in me?

My hands hovered over the keyboard as I realized I had just typed my thoughts out. The blinking cursor on the screen taunted me like a timer reminding me of the unfinished story I had yet to write. Flexing my fingers, I deleted the sentence, watching as the black vertical line devoured the words until there were none left.

Now that the document was clean and blank without any letters to pollute it, I cleared my head and focused on the work at hand. I was barely a minute through typing the first line when the voice of my colleague disturbed my thought process.

“Psst, (F/N). Sorry to disturb you but this came for you in the office mail,” she whispered apologetically, holding out a small brown package.

I gave her a small smile of appreciation. “Thanks.”

Once I had relieved her of the little package, she grinned and walked away towards her cubicle. I lifted the package to ear level and shook it gently. It was light and sounded solid. I pried it open with my nifty scissors and tilted it, cupping my hands below the opening. 

A small black object dropped into my palm. It was one of those old MP3 players with a small screen that could only fit 50 characters and two buttons to toggle between songs. I ran my fingers along its surface and I frowned as the familiar feeling of déjà vu returned to haunt me. Turning the player over, my eyes widened in surprise as I saw my initials etched in beautiful cursive in the silver casing.

Putting the player down on my desk nervously, I turned to the package and gave it one more hard shake. A slip of paper fell out. Hesitantly, I stretched my hand out to pick it up. The nearer I got to it, the faster my heart thumped in my chest. The distance seemed to close in on me until the paper was the only thing I could see. Just as my finger grazed its white plain surface, I hesitated. My fingers curled in, unwilling to touch the seemingly pure object. 

I was afraid of it. Afraid of its contents. Afraid of what it might say. Whoever sent this was connected to this series of incidents. And I was terrified of finding out who it was. But if I didn’t dare look, then I would never know why this was happening to me. I would not be able to put a stop to these bizarre happenings. 

I took a deep breath and lunged at the piece of paper as if it would run away if I had not moved fast enough. Flipping to the front, I stared at the familiar cursive writing that also adorned the player. There were only two words on it.

**Play it.**

Frowning, I muttered the two words to myself, not understanding its meaning. I shifted my gaze to the player and then back to the paper. Slapping my forehead in frustration for being so incredibly dumb, I yanked on my earphones that were dangling from the computer jack and pushed it into the tiny slot on the player. With slightly quivering fingers, I fitted the earphones into both my ears and powered up the little device.

The beautiful notes of a piano filled my ear, letting me imagine the pianist deftly playing the scale runs. Closing my eyes, I tapped my finger to the slow rhythm of the jazz piece. As soon as the sound of a melodious saxophone entered the mix, the corner of my lips turned upwards in recognition of one of the most famous saxophonist – Louis Armstrong. His hoarse and throaty voice then entered the scene, spinning a web of enchantment that further lured me into the magic of the piece.

_Hold me close and hold me fast.  
The magic spell you cast._

The words fell like tiny crystals, disturbing the clear waters of my memory. Ripples formed on the surface, the distortion of the space causing a tear to appear among the emerging cracks of my fragile state of reality.

Words left my lips without my knowledge, completing the next phrase of the song.

_This is la vie en rose._

 

__  
“Hey, don’t you love the song La Vie En Rose?”  
“Are you kidding me? It’s my favorite!” I exclaimed. 

_He took my hand roughly and pressed something into my palm before closing my fingers around it. When he pulled away, I unclenched my fist and gasped as I saw the shiny new black MP3 player that had been in the market for some time. It was the one I had fallen in love with and had wanted to own since I first laid eyes on it._

_He looked away, a tinge of pink dusting his cheek. “Now you can play that damn song on loop without bothering me.”  
_

 

A single tear fell from my eyes, landing squarely on the player that I held tightly. The hole in my heart was now complete, the pieces of the puzzle fallen in place. All I had to do was return to the one place where I truly belonged.

I got up from my seat, shoving the player into my pocket. A quick glance at the items on the desk told me I didn’t need any of it. I didn’t need this reality anymore. 

As I ran out of my office building, I felt liberated. The mirrors of my life that had kept me confined were now shattered, revealing the great expanse that once was. Letting out a hearty laugh, I ran down the street with arms spread wide, attracting the looks of passersby but not caring at all what they thought of this mad lady.

 

__  
“Can you believe I will be working here?” I gestured to the tall skyscraper.  
He let out a deep sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. “For the millionth time, yes.” 

_Pouting, I said in a childish voice, “Don’t I deserve a reward?”_  
This time, his lips curved upward in a smirk. Bending down, he whispered in my ear, “Your reward will be later tonight in the bedroom.”  


 

I chuckled to myself, remembering my “reward” that night. It was indeed very enjoyable and it lasted until the wee hours of the morning. Without a care in the world, I dashed across the street, ignoring the blaring of horns around me. I was already running at full speed, a broad smile adorning my face and my eyes shining in anticipation. Within a few minutes, I was passing the new café I had discovered earlier this month but in fact, it was previously my favorite haunt.

 

_  
I stepped into the café and inhaled the aromatic scent of freshly brewed coffee. Turning to him, I grinned at the deadpan expression that graced his face._

_“Isn’t this just marvelous?”_  
Clicking his tongue as he crossed his arms over his chest, he replied in his monotone voice. “My tea is still better than this shit.”  


 

It had taken so long for me to persuade him to even try a sip of the delicious coffee. And even then, he still made a face and refused to drink the rest of it. Taking a right, I passed by several apartment buildings and took a shortcut through one of the back lanes.

 

_  
“Is this the only way?” I whispered, my eyes glistening with tears that I had been holding back._

_He swept his hand through his bangs as he looked at the ground and then back at me. “Yeah, they’re already onto us. It’ll just be for a while, (F/N), I swear.”_

_Choking back tears, I replied in a strained voice, “Will I be able to come back to you?”_

_He cupped my face in his large, rough palms. “You had better.”  
_

 

Once again, tears threatened to leave the confines of my eyes as I recalled that painful decision that the two of us had made. But in the end, I was making my way back to him. Long as it was, I was finally returning. I was going back home. 

I rounded the block and ran up to the apartment building that I had found myself at just a few months back. That one incident that had started the whole series of happenings. This time, I looked up at the same window and smiled. I knew who had been watching me and I did not fear him. 

With a skip in my steps, I ran inside, bounding up the steps to the fourth floor. Stopping in front of the first apartment besides the flight of stairs, I gazed forlornly at the oak door with the numbers 401 etched in it. This was where my life had started and would now start again. Grazing my fingers on the familiar doorknob, a warm feeling blossomed in my heart.

 

__  
“I’m going to begin the process, (F/N).”  
I nodded vigorously, my eyes searching his face for comfort as I bit my lip nervously. “Will it hurt?” I squeaked out. 

_“No, it won’t,” he reassured me as he gripped my hand tightly._

_Pausing slightly, he traced the contours of my face, trying to memorize every inch of my face and how it felt beneath his fingertips. I reveled in his touch, knowing that it would be a while before I could feel it on my skin again._

_“I’ll always love you,” he whispered softly._

_“As do I.”  
_

 

“Forever and always,” I thought to myself. My heartbeat accelerated as I gripped the doorknob. With a deep breath, I turned it and pushed the door wide open. A raven-haired man with misty grey eyes stood at the back of the room, his back facing me. When he turned, my breath hitched in my throat.

 

“Took you long enough, brat.”


End file.
